Blast from the Past Ass
I was cleaning out the Spam in an old email address when I came across this:
"I got two more "restricted" phone calls today......oh goody!
When I got home my mom was on the phone. Luckily she didn't
see D dropping me off,but when she came upstairs to say hello, the
first question she asked me was if you and I had broken up...
It felt like i have been gone for 3 months when I got home today.
I was glad to hear from you this morning, but as much as I want to know
what happened on saturday night..I dont..
I am glad you left. I honestly don't think I would have been able
to handle the plethora of emotions for another two days-but I missed
you like hell Saturday, and even though I had a great time with them I
felt like the third wheel.
As you saw this weekend..when upset or mad I become fully
introspective, the world could fall down around me and I wouldn't know
it..but most of the time I dent talk because I am not sure what to say
yet...and Friday I had a million-and-one thoughts in my head...none of
which I could really put together in one clear sentence..and since this
relationship is based on honesty...I will tell you what I came up with.
I like balance in my life..and I dont do well with huge changes in
emotion. I like stability..and this weekend sucked in that
category...I went from super high..to feeling like I ran into a brick
wall at full speed. I mean think about it-15 minutes before that
infamous call, we were talking about our honeymoon in Iceland.
I wont lie...I still haven't figured out how i feel about all of
this...all i know is that I feel numb. You asked me why I was crying
saturday morning, that it couldn't be just because you were
leaving and it wasn't. That brick wall killed the little fantasy
bubble we have been in,the truth is you are married and if you put
it down on paper, I am the other woman. I was stuck in a hard
place. I didn't want to stay without you, but how could I go home? I
dont think I will every understand why you had to leave.
It was almost surreal in the airport when I left you to go
downstairs. Do you know, I sat facing the escalator and every few minutes i would
look up when someone came down the stairs, because I just knew that it
was gonna be you.......
I know you leaving wasn't for you to go back to get back
together...but i have to tell you that I feel like you went home to
appease her, and I know that in her head it gave her some satisfaction
to break up your weekend with me. I just dont see how the conversation
you had on saturday afternoon/night couldn't have waited till sunday
afternoon/night. I would have stayed to show her how serious you are
about moving on, and that she can no longer stomp her foot and you have
to come running. All I hope is that she mellows out over time..and
that this is not something she is gonna pull when she knows we are
together and she feels like playing games.
My point is this -for the rest of your life you will be stuck
between me and an ex-wife and living in a big joyous family only
happens on sitcoms. It is only natural for me to want us to be together
24/7 and not have to share you. I understand that loving you comes
with two little ones who love you as well, and I am prepared to make
sacrifices to our time together and for them - but i cant accept
you making sacrifices for her
....and it felt like you sacrificed
this weekend for her.
At a certain point I am going to need you to be my cheerleader.......
L
My first thought upon re-reading was that I wish I was still so longwinded when it came to the written word.
My second thought was an immediate flashback to that moment, after I sent this letter that he & I met to talk.
It was midweek and pouring as if the angels in heaven were trying to tell us something.
We sat in a bank parking lot, I remember because I kept watching the cars pull up to the atm while I listened to the beats in the bass of his voice.
I knew it was over, too close to the beginning.
We stayed together another 1 year and 7 months more.
His voice sounds hollow to me now when we catch up every 6 months or so.
It used to feel like home
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